My unborn child's father is married

I am pregnant by a married man who has no children with his wife. They met at university, lost their virginity to each other and have been together since. He has had numerous other affairs with other women, two of them before he got married. His wife wants children but has never pushed for them. He has told her that I am pregnant, they have talked about it and she wants them to stay together. At first, he said he would leave her but now he says he will stay, as she is the injured party. But he wants to be at the birth and has told me that he will spend nights at my home looking after the baby; it looks as if he is promising to be in two places at once.

He says he must build up his wife's confidence before he can tell her about the scale of commitment he wants to make to our child, but I feel his approach simply illustrates that they don't communicate well. I am also fed up with him being miserable about the situation and being amorous towards me, only to go home to his wife.

Do I cut him out of my life for my own sake and to save my child from a disruptive upbringing or do I let him get involved?

Put yourself in her shoes

It's human nature to see a situation from a perspective that portrays you in the best light - few people like to believe that they are behaving malevolently or causing needless hurt and distress to innocent people. However, try putting yourself in this man's wife's shoes, for your own sake as well as hers. Whatever his justifications to you, this man has repeatedly been unfaithful to his wife, who is likely to have suffered deeply as a consequence.

You are also making lots of assumptions about how much she wanted to have a child herself - the knowledge that her husband has made someone else pregnant may be devastating to her. She may not have "pushed" to have children but perhaps that is because she felt that her marriage was in a precarious state, given her husband's multiple infidelities, and she wanted him to be fully behind any decision to start a family.

Despite all this, you find yourself in this situation and you have a duty to your unborn child to start considering other people's feelings more. Perhaps having a tiny baby, who is utterly dependent on you, will help you rise to the challenge of doing that. Do you really want any son or daughter of yours to think that it is acceptable to betray another woman in this way? Or, equally, to be content to be treated as second best?

JL, London

He won't leave his wife

You are pregnant by someone else's husband and you expect to avoid a disruptive upbringing for your child - this is not going to be straightforward, given the circumstances. It may be too late to say this, but you could have avoided this situation by not having an affair with a married man in the first place.

Furthermore, you have only his word about his wife's views and wishes, and he has already proved that he is untrustworthy and unreliable by his complete lack of loyalty to the woman he married. She may well not have a clue about what is happening - even if she does, her opinions are likely to have been distorted by her husband in his description of the situation. He clearly has no intention of leaving her for you - he sounds immature and selfish. You have certainly been selfish yourself, but at least you can make a positive decision now to be a decent mother.

PS, Brighton

This man is spineless

This woman isn't merely "the injured party" - he hasn't accidentally knocked her off her bike or dented her car. She is his wife. He is supposed to love her, not pity her and treat her as if she is an obstacle to be dealt with.

Despite his caring words to you and his banal rationalisations for what he has or hasn't done, this man has no spine and no sense of loyalty.

I would guess that if his wife is prepared to stay with him while he makes up for not having had lots of romantic dalliances in his youth, then she has little self-esteem. He is manipulating her, just as he is manipulating you by offering the illusion of love and security. If you want to settle for that, then prepare yourself for a life of disappointment - you will also be missing out on the opportunity of finding someone worth loving.

Name and address withheld

What do you want?

You mention what she wants, what he has said he wants but isn't doing, and have not said what you want.

Do you want him as a lover, partner or father to your child? Try to keep him as a presence in your child's life, if you can, but you are capable of creating a nurturing environment for your child on your own. Start considering seriously what you want out of life - and what is possible. Nobody else can give you the answer to that.

HA, London

What the expert thinks

Your dilemma is, I'm afraid, not as clear cut as you would like. You actually have two issues to sort out, and although they are interrelated, they should be considered separately. First, you need to decide what to do about your relationship with this man. Second, you must reach an agreement about your respective involvements with the child you share.

Let's start with your relationship with him. You say he has had numerous affairs, but has never left his wife. Your situation may be different in that you are the first to become pregnant, but even this hasn't persuaded him and his wife to part. It's probably true that they don't communicate well, as you suggest. Nonetheless, they still seem to weather the storms of his infidelities and, in truth, it may even be that his affairs strengthen their relationship. I know that sounds paradoxical, but people don't repeat behaviour (in his case, having affairs; in hers, tolerating them) unless they consider that behaviour to be the best option available to them.

Why should he feel that he has to choose between you? As things stand, he needn't do so because you continue to listen to his expressions of misery and to fulfil his sexual needs, and his wife allows him to return home and assuage his guilt for betraying her. If continuing to "share" him in this way is preferable to leaving him, then you needn't stop seeing him. If you would rather be on your own, and perhaps even look for someone who would be prepared to commit himself fully and only to you, then I suggest that you end the relationship. Just remember that if you leave things as they are, this man is unlikely to alter his behaviour to suit your wishes.

The second issue concerns the child. It takes two people to create a life: this baby is his as much his as yours. Unless he poses a danger to either of you, you have no more right to cut him out of the child's life than he would have to cut you out. It's a sign of physical maturity that the two of you have created a new life, but you need to match that with emotional and psychological maturity, and decide together how best to raise that child.

A good way to look at this situation is to imagine how you would approach it if the two of you had divorced, and he had remarried. The ordering of events may be different, but the outcome is the same. You will have to make financial plans for the child and to decide on contact. It would make sense to use an experienced professional to help you - I suggest you contact Relate (0845 130 4016). The two of you can cut your ties with one another if you wish, but you can't change the fact that you have created a child. The best way save him or her from a disruptive upbringing is for you each to assume equal responsibility. You will want to provide material goods and educational opportunities, and to make sure that you each have the time to give him or her your loving attention.

This can be done if you remember that you both have rights and obligations as parents, whatever your relationship is to one another.
Linda Blair

Next week: My partner is a serial flirt

My partner and I have been together for four years and during that time there have been many instances of him flirting with other women, including within our social circle. He will connect across the room with someone and appear to engage with her, acting as if I can't see what is happening. I spend the evening watching, wondering whether to make a fuss or wait to confirm my suspicions before raising the issue.

I have to find coping strategies to use in situations where this is most likely to crop up, and although it doesn't seem to happen all the time, I can rarely relax when we're out. His behaviour makes me feel diminished as a woman and rejected as a girlfriend. I am rendered weak and powerless and I deeply resent it. When I confront him about it, he just repeats that he has "done nothing wrong" or asks, "Why would I?" and the conversation goes nowhere. While he continues to deny all indiscretions, despite what I observe, we can't change anything or move forward. I don't believe he actually acts out these fantasies, but his attitude is corrosive to our relationship.

My father was a serial flirt and unfaithful too, so my partner's flirting reminds me of him and the fears I have about being in a similar relationship. My partner and I are otherwise very close but I believe he is in denial about his behaviour and that such a serious recurrent flashpoint means our relationship is doomed. How can we address this?

· Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.

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